Trying to Whatever

Now that the babe is 10 months old, Andrew and I have officially reached the point post-child where our friends, families and coworkers have come to expect a pregnancy announcement.  For some reason, when you have four kiddos that are approximately 2 years apart each, you've set a pattern and you're kind of expected to uphold it.  So the questions amd hunches start rolling in.

The questions usually begin with Andrew's coworkers.  "Isn't it about time for another one?" Or "Kristi isn't pregnancy again is she?!"  One coworker recently told him that we should stop making children and start fostering or adopting instead.  I don't know why she felt like that was her suggestion to make... But she put it out there nevertheless.  It seems everyone has an opinion on our procreative ways.  But I digress.

A few months ago I ran across a question on a Facebook page that said, "In an ideal world, I would have _______ number of children."  Neither Andrew or I knew how to respond.  We never had a plan for how many kids we wanted... I guess we still don't.  In the Natural Family Planning world, you're either considered "Trying to Conceive" or "Trying to Avoid."  But other than a few months after William was born when we needed to wait for health reasons, we've always just been "Trying to Whatever."  Which for us meant, if we get pregnant, awesome... If we don't... awesome.  It was all in His hands.

But that brings me to today. I'm not sure how I feel about TTW these days.  I actually might not quite be ready to add to our family just yet.  If I found myself pregnant today, I wouldn't be sad by any means, but I would definitely be overwhelmed.  For some reason, four children has seemed like a whole lot more than three children.  And while I think I would like to meet another little U kid one day, I'm not sure I'm mentally ready to tackle pregnancy and postpartum all over again just yet.  Not to mention trying to figure out how to haul 5 kids around or find a babysitter every other month for 5 kids. Or how to trek 5 children across country on all our random road trips.  Or feed them. Discipline them. Teach them. Parent them. Yipes.

A question I like to ask mommas who are a bit older than me is "How did you know when you were done?"  Most of them tell me that they just had peace knowing said child was the last.  And some say they just consider said child the last "for now," always leaving that door open just a bit in case God has other plans.

But right now I don't know where I stand.  And Andrew is uber understanding about that. If U4 was the last, he's okay.  If we're called to have and blessed with some more... That's okay too.  The whole idea that she might be our last is very foreign to me because I've never felt the need before to step back and go, "Woah... I'm not feeling mentally, physically, psychologically or spiritually ready to plug down this road again right now."  So I'm sitting with that.  I'm trying to discern... with Andrew... The whens and ifs of another baby.

Being "done" seems so final to me and I'm pretty sure I'm not ready to say that just yet, but I'd love to hear other parent's thoughts on this.  How do you know when you've produced the number of people you were intended to produce? Do you ever know for sure?

Adventures in Natural Family Planning

Let's talk about sex, baby... oh wait... let's not. This post isn't going to be as much about sex as it is about marriage, because for some reason I've never really felt comfortable discussing sex with anyone other than my husband. Like it turns me about 17 shades of red if anyone even begins to ask me personally about my sex life. My kids come from storks - don't you know?! But I digress... back to the topic at hand.

So... Natural Family Planning... kind of a hot-topic right now, huh? I guess contraception is really the hot topic - what with the Health and Human Services Mandate that "IT SHALL BE FREE FOR EVERY ONE," blah blah blah. But some people think that NFP is a form of contraception (it's not)... so I suppose the topics are related (maybe).

A little background for you: All Catholic couples wishing to get married in our Diocese are required to take a natural family planning course as part of their marriage preparation. Andrew and I began learning about NFP months before we were even married. And because we had learned it, it wasn't too surprising to us when we found expecting our first baby about 3 weeks after our wedding. So we had about 3 weeks worth of actual charting practice as a married couple before we just stopped using NFP. I mean... we were pregnant for nine months. Then the stork brought Mia. And then we didn't really have a good reason to wait for another kid so we figured why would we bother with charting my cycles... and that big white bird dropped Vince by our house... and we still didn't have a great reason to wait an extensive amount of time for a third kid, so we half-assedly (yes... I just said half-assendly) charted when we thought about it, and before long came Mr. William. And that's when things changed.

Because little Will was a preemie, an emergency c-section, and the product of an extremely stressful pregnancy, we finally had a serious reason to wait a while before #4, God-willing, were to come into this world. But it had been 6 years since we really used NFP, so we had to re-learn the method. Am I going anywhere with this post? Yes... yes I am. And this is where it gets good.

So in half-assedly (there's that word again) practicing NFP for 6 years, we sort of forgot some of the cool things about the method. I mean, we never used it to ACHIEVE a pregnancy. We just sort of didn't care if we did achieve... so I'm not sure we were really using the method at all.

But now we're playing a whole new ball game. (That last sentence is super funny if you were at our wedding - if you weren't, you're missing out.) You see, the past year *and especially the last few months as William has started weaning*, the hubs and I have actually had to talk to each other about whether we were ready for another kid. We've had to stay in conversation with each other and with God about what His plan for our family was. And - though this slightly betrays my first paragraph about embarassing sex talk - I'm just going to say that practicing chastity within marriage is far more difficult than practicing it outside of marriage. I mean each night you're in the same bed with the one person in the world who you love the most... the one who did something extra nice or sweet that day... the one who, for some reason you can't even figure out, looks extra good that day (usually that indicates a hormonal shift - fyi)... and you can't touch them. Well... you can... but then you start engines that have to be shut off... yada yada... okay too much info. (I'm currently about the 13th shade of red after that paragraph.) Back to the topic.

I have discovered in the past few months what a blessing Natural Family Planning is. I've always appreciated it for what it tells me about the health of my body. And I've always liked that it's a completely un-chemically way of avoiding pregnancy if we need to. But I'm finally seeing the beauty of it as a part of marriage. It definitely calls a person to a higher level of marital love. You cannot be selfish and practice Natural Family Planning - those two things just don't work together. You must constantly be thinking of the well-being of your spouse -- and, believe me, that is a sensational way to grow in holiness. It's no wonder that so few NFP couples ever get divorced. When you're actively and frequently thinking about your spouse and the good of your family over your own wants or needs, you're bound to have a pretty healthy marriage (especially when you're both working together.)

I don't have a good closing for this post except to say that if you're not using NFP, I highly recommend it. You are missing out!

Oh and here are some resources if you're extra motivated to check some stuff out:
Different NFP Methods
Natural... Why Not? (pdf)