My God, I Miss You.

It's hard to believe we are over a month into this COVID19 pandemic stay-at-home no Mass craziness of 2020. One would think I would have had time long before now to start writing on this blog again... but 6 kids at home all the time plus working from home and "distance-schooling" four of those kids has proved a smidge overwhelming. Nevertheless, I had a prayer experience the other day and I felt called to share it. Even though Chasing Cherubim has been all-but-dead since my 6th baby was born, it will be revived for at least a moment.

Late Monday night as I was falling asleep, I was picturing myself in the tabernacle with Jesus. I have found so much peace doing this and it has helped me console him and myself during this time without Mass and Adoration. But while doing that, I felt very called to just go to the Church the next day and sit with Him.

On Tuesday afternoon I announced to the family that Momma would be going to sit in front of our Lord for a few minutes and any of the over-four-years-old U's were welcome join me if they liked. I warned them that I might be yelling at the Lord, and though it would be in my head, I needed to go really talk to Him. The girls decided to join me for the outing.

We walked into our empty Church. It was dark and quiet as I expected, but still familiar and lovely and dressed for the Easter season. I marched my girls up to the very foot of the altar, genuflected, and sat upon the floor in front of our Jesus.

As I entered into prayer, it was the same prayer I've prayed over and over and over for the last month. "Jesus, please take this virus away. Jesus, please end this shut down. Jesus, please let us come back to Mass. Jesus, please make it stop."

And... just as He has said for the last month... over and over and over... he said again, "Not yet."

So I cried again, and I shifted my prayer to the daily prayer for the Divine Mercy Novena. And here's where things felt providential to me. Tuesday's Divine Mercy Novena prayer was this:

Today bring to Me THE SOULS OF THOSE WHO HAVE SEPARATED THEMSELVES FROM MY CHURCH, and immerse them in the ocean of My mercy. During My bitter Passion they tore at My Body and Heart, that is, My Church. As they return to unity with the Church, My wounds heal and in this way they alleviate My Passion.

And there I sat weeping because I just want to go to Communion again. I just want to go to Mass. I want to receive my Lord - Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity - in the Eucharist. But the Lord pointed out to me that there are so many souls who do not want that. They do not see Him or know Him or desire Him. Or perhaps, they know Him, but don't want to know Him more. And maybe this is why we are going through this time when He is not available to us. Maybe He is waiting for just one or two of the souls to see and understand what they have left.

Or maybe He's waiting on souls like mine to be more grateful... more devoted... more reverent when I approach the Most Blessed Sacrament.

So for now... I keep waiting. I keep asking. I keep praying. And this season remains a season of perpetual offering-it-up.

And I will strive to keep trusting that His plan is bigger and more beautiful than I can see or imagine, and maybe these sufferings... or rather definitely these sufferings... are drawing His people back to Him.

Lord, heal us. Help us to know you more.

My God, I miss You.